SPOILER ALERT!

One of the great no-nos of popular movie criticism is revealing the ending. Telling the reader how a movie concludes is so bad it’s called a spoiler. It spoils a movie, like bacteria spoils warm milk, or a drunk clown spoils a child’s birthday party. A spoiler ruins everything; it turns something appetizing into something rancid.

I think that’s crap. One of the distinguishing features of great movies is the way repeated viewings enriches your experience and understanding. Besides, how many movies truly have surprise endings? Have you ever seen a romantic comedy where the guy didn’t get the girl? An action movie where the villain didn’t die? A Woody Allen movie where everyone didn’t end up miserable? If knowing the ending spoils it for you, you’re not asking for much in the first place.

Revealing the ending is often essential to a full critique. How can movie criticism aspire to sophisticated analysis if its hamstrung by the restriction that you can’t write about plot points beyond the 90th minute?

I don’t fault newspaper critics for abiding by the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Spoil.” It’s an ingrained convention, and I think many publishers see movie reviews as little more than a text version of a trailer. Most movie critics would get fired if they habitually revealed the ending.

But you can’t get fired from something you’re not paid for, so I’m going to reveal endings if I think it’s necessary. Consider me a groundbreaker, consider me a trailblazer, consider me an explorer in the undiscovered country.

Or you can just call me a drunk clown with a mission.

I couldn’t find a picture of Scott Wolf as the inebriated clown from Party of Five, so this was the next best thing. I think he stole Ronald McDonald’s shoes.